Lonely but not Alone

 At a glance, the phrase appears to be paradoxical. But the feeling is not. And this is exactly what I have been feeling for the last two days. Trapped.

 The pandemic rages on. I see people shopping in stores, eating at restaurants and even going on vacations; around the world and here as well. I feel a longing in the deep recesses of my soul, and in my delirious moral conviction...I curse the ones who are able to ignore theirs' and enjoy themselves. 

           But then my train of thoughts slows down and as the petty spite dissolves away; I am able to rationalise. The situation is not similar everywhere. Besides, I can't control everybody.

 Nevertheless, I don't think that the external atmosphere is to be blamed completely for my misery. I am living with people but I feel lonely. Now that can make someone miserable.

                                                       

Just a deep longing...

 I am not an introvert. If I find someone with similar tastes in matters; I can prattle on and on. But the problem is with people. People can be so confusing. You may know someone for years and years, and even be the best of friends, but one day he grows up and changes completely. You try to tell him that he is changing, but that makes him furious. He is a different man now. His decisions are influenced by the new company he keeps..and you (his childhood partner) become inconsequential. Conversations aren't fun anymore. You shut your mouth and nod...all the time wishing you were on your own. Finally, you drift apart.

           Then there's the other type. She is the one who is always ready to listen to you. She is immensely kind and always ready to help in her own way. But the problem lies in the fact that "her" way is often too mainstream. She is doing her best but in her own naive little way. You can't get mad at her. You never do. You tell her your stories. She listens halfway through and immediately tries to help. And that is when you realise...you should have kept your mouth shut. You can't explain the stuff to her because it'll only make things worse. So you stop discussing serious matters altogether. You are friends but not intimate.

 So it stands right now. The only way to not feel miserable is to be comfortable in your own company. For years I have tried, and I think I am somewhat capable. I want to read books on my sofa, cook myself all the delicious meals that I've been accumulating in my recipes playlist, I want to have an entire apartment to myself, (to furnish and decorate and just set the designer in me free for the very first time) and I only want to talk to certain people when I feel like it. 

All the things that I want, make up this whole another being; who lives within me and inspires me to work hard and be independent. But somehow, in lieu of the present situation, she has left me...all lonely and miserable. But I want her to come back. After all;

           I want to be alone but not lonely...and not the other way round.